ankhanu (ankhanu) wrote in ankhanu2,
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ankhanu
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Random musings

I've not cried since about 1998. That time I made an effort to cry to appease my girlfriend prior to an extended absence. As for the last time I genuinely cried, I have no real idea; perhaps in my early teens? I can't state for certain what caused my last genuine crying.

That said, in the past several years I've found myself rather close to crying on many occasions. Almost all of these moments are inspired by music (a minority by film, which may be music related). There are a few songs, more generally accurate, a few song segments, that have the power to tighten my chest and well my eyes almost every time I hear them. Greg MacPherson's 'Company Store' is one of these songs, 4:31-5:00 in the bridge of Jeff Buckley's version of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah' is another segment, 'Left and Leaving' and 'Pamphleteer' by the Weakerthans can get me, as can (oddly enough) Jane Sibery's 'It Can't Rain All the Time'. Sometimes it seems tied to the lyrical content, but more often it's the music itself, some combination of progression, rhythm and timbre, that does it. The feeling has varying durations and intensities, but never quite seems to come to fruition; this is probably for the best, since more often than not I'm driving when I hear these songs.

It makes me somewhat curious as to why these songs/passages manage to smack me right in the emotomatrix, and curious as to whether they'll ever push me past that brink and actually cause crying. Some, such as 'Company Store' or 'It Can't Rain all the Time', I can more or less put into a context; 'Company Store' is linked to some of the strongest moments of social solidarity I've experienced, any time I've heard it performed live has been amongst a throng of peers all powerfully singing along with a rather powerful stage personality at the lead; 'It Can't Rain all the Time' is attached to the end of The Crow and tied to the sadness of the preceding moments and the tragedy of Brandon Lee's death (Why THAT particularly seems to have moving effect on me, I can't really say). Most of the other examples, however, I can't nail down, short of perhaps some sort of awe towards instrument timbres in certain cases. In some cases, there are songs/segments that I find sadder, more beautiful, cerebrally more touching, or what have you, that simply don't have that impact on me. Just one of those mysteries, I suppose.

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