ankhanu (ankhanu) wrote in ankhanu2,

Oh mom, I always dreamed of being a good listener, so tonight I'm on my way.

Spirituality is a topic that enthralled me for much of my adolescence through mid-twenties. I'd looked into various cultures, religion and spiritual philosophies, eventually synthesized my own philosophical take on the whole thing. I was never really one for the concept of deity, though the idea of divinity was reconcilable... but I've realized in the past months that I've moved on.

I started my journey as an Protestant, being dragged to church on Sundays with the rest of the family, probably until I was about 7. Eventually, my family stopped going to church. I continued to more or less believe, and even have recollection of attempting to converse with the Christian deity... usually asking for some of the toys my friends had that I coveted (G1 Jetfire anyone?). Eventually, I found that I turned to atheism before I even reached junior high. I remained an atheist until somewhere around the age of 15 or so. Well, no, that's not really true. I remained atheistic and generally uninterested in religion and spirituality until that point. Around then, I was introduced to new age religions like Wicca and began exploring alternative spiritualities to the Christianity around me. I spent years pulling in information, discussing the ideas with people I knew and people online... synthesizing information from the popular Celtic based religions, the various Eastern religions/philosophies, African religions and other assorted pagan faiths and the Abrahamaic religions. I eventually developed my own little view incorporating many of the concepts common throughout and some of the specific ideas to individual faiths, forming a mish mash divinity denying external deity.

I was happy with this for some time, but in time it's kind of fallen to the wayside... to the point that in the last few months to year, I've realized that I've circled around and find myself sitting staunchly back into the seat of atheist. I suppose while I liked the idea of spiritualism... I never really integrated it into true belief... rather a sort of quasi-faithful wishful thinking or romanticism.

I suppose faith, to me, was kind of like a good work of fiction, let's say Star Wars. While it's fascinating and I can pull pieces in with which to self-identify, no matter how much I integrate, it is still something out there, separate from exactly what I am.

So, yeah... I'm godless... but I always knew that, and I'm rambly... but I knew that too.

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